Photo by Lois Wagner of the Killing Tree in Cambodia.

Visitors leave friendship bracelets in memory of the children killed there

Your situation is unique and I am not in a position to tell you whether or not you should forgive your transgressor.

I do not know your situation and cannot pretend to understand the impact that the circumstances requiring forgiveness had on your life. You may be a victim of theft, robbery, discrimination, bullying, disloyalty or betrayal. Perhaps your partner left you, taking everything along with them, leaving you in debt. Maybe you were abused or assaulted as a child. You may be the survivor of rape or abuse by your partner or by a stranger. Or worse, to be the parent or partner of someone who was murdered. Could you, or should you, forgive the unforgivable?

I have no idea of where you are in your progress towards healing and I cannot guarantee that forgiving is a panacea that will remove your hurt and pain and will enable you to move on to a happier and more fulfilling life. You have been hurt. You are angry and stressed. You may not know how to pick up the pieces and start again. You may not want to pick up the pieces and start again.

Forgiving is a choice and you can only do this when you are ready. Getting to forgiveness is a natural process and not a single act. You may reach forgiveness only after completing a number of other steps and definitely after experiencing a whole bunch of other emotions. Don’t let me, the media, or others pressurise you. There is no reason for shame or guilt if you are not ready to forgive, and proceeding at your own pace is both healing and productive.

The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle or Stages of Grief is a model that was developed by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. These stages or emotions are not linear, nor are they a predictable progression and many of them are experienced in tandem. However, based on my own personal experience, one needs to experience all these stages and go through the grieving and healing process in order to realise true and full forgiveness. And it is not an easy process. In fact, it can be very challenging.

I am sure you have all heard people tell you that you are only hurting yourself if you don’t forgive, right? But you cannot forgive when you are still focusing on retribution or revenge and are still dwelling on the pain and the negative emotions that the transgression caused. Forgiveness may be an agonisingly slow and difficult process and you may want to avoid many steps, but suppressing any of these emotions or skipping any of these stages can be harmful. The feelings become internalised and you may never come out of the depression and detachment mode, or you may fall back into that stage, or suffer from self-criticism and guilt or shame.  You may want to run away and hide and deny the excruciating experiences. This could result in you suffering one of many stress-related illnesses from headaches to digestive problems, to heart problems or increased hypertension. Do not allow society, family and friends to pressurise you into forgiving before you are ready. You may say the words to get these people “off your back” and not really mean them, and then your emotions become stifled and you may fall into an even deeper depression.

Anger is one of the most natural reactions rising from a transgression, and this emotion can give you the necessary strength and power to deal with the immediate aftermath of the offence. It can even help in the healing process. In my case, it stimulated me into driving moves to have changes made to the South African constitution. On the other hand, it can be harmful. It gave me unbelievable strength which later manifested itself in psychosomatic physical ailments (that story is for a later blog).

Forgiveness is generally defined as a conscious and deliberate decision to let go of feelings of negativity, resentment, hurt, anger, suffering, and the desire for vengeance or retribution against the offender. It is about our well-being and healing and not about that of the offender. It has nothing to do with condoning or excusing the actions of the offender, or releasing them from legal accountability and justice. It can, however, go a long way towards reconciliation. But remember that forgiveness is something that you do alone, and that reconciliation is a two-way street and the two are concepts are separate issues.

Remember that forgiveness is a very personal thing and starts deep within yourself. It should not be forced, but come naturally as you progress through the grief cycle. Be true to yourself.

You may feel that by forgiving a person they may do it again. You are not responsible for their behaviour or their actions as a result of the forgiveness. So do you forgive a repeat offender, someone who continually commits wrong acts? Forgiving a one-time betrayal may save a relationship, but repeatedly forgiving a husband who continually cheats on you, can be harmful. Are you letting him off the hook by forgiving him? So when he repeats his betrayal it makes you lose self-respect, self-worth and makes you feel shame and guilt? If he portrays narcissistic characteristics and you keep forgiving him, it can be self-destructive and can promote an unhealthy and toxic relationship. Now would be the time to move on and away from the relationship.

And do you forgive someone who is not sorry, who has not apologised, who has not asked for forgiveness? What about confronting the offender? Sometimes this is not possible. They may be in another country or may not even be alive anymore. It is usually better to be able to face the transgressor but if not, remember that they are inside your head and you can forgive them there.  They do not have to be part of the process and they do not have to participate in the forgiveness ritual.

Timing is everything. True forgiveness while the pain is still raw is probably not possible based on the severity of the hurt. You are unable to forgive if you are still holding the desire for revenge and retribution.  Forgiving at this point in time may increase your negativity, not only towards the offender, but towards yourself as well. You may start questioning your decision to forgive and may suffer self-doubt and this can lower your self-esteem. It took me 15 years of hating. Looking back now, it took far too many years for me to reach this free-ing place. Circumstances led me here rather than a conscious decision, but I wish that I had been lead there much, much sooner.

At the end of the day, it is your decision and only you can make it. You can forgive, or you can choose not to forgive. Whatever you decide is based on how you feel, but working through the stages can help you find peace and light and freedom.

I found that forgiveness, in the end, was a really simple process for me. I found it to be a powerful force of healing, and it really did provide me with a wonderful sense of freedom.

Yours – Forever Flying Free.

Lois

 

 

Let my Light Shine

(First baby steps to a huge dream)

Written in June 2014 and never published

 

 

Extrovert or introvert

 

Dozens of personality profiles, psychometric tests and analyses by “experts” have identified me as an extrovert: out there; loud; strong; bold; talkative; outgoing; adventurous; expressive; and social.

At the Awesomeness Fest (Afest) in Phuket Thailand that I attended from 12 -15 June 2014 I found myself on the side lines: observing; listening; quiet; introverted; and hiding behind my camera.

 

Was I merely overwhelmed and intimidated by the success of so many young, talented, attractive, intelligent, and truly beautiful people? Was I over sensitive because I was older, fatter, not fit and lacking in stamina to party into the early hours of the morning? Why is it that I never truly connected and held those deep meaningful conversations that all the Afesters keep referring to? Why is it that when I suggested activities I had no takers but when the same activities were suggested by others there was an overwhelming response of participation?

 

For the first time in my life I truly felt that I was not good enough!

 

So many brilliant and inspirational speakers freely shared their knowledge and ideas that at first it was not possible to process everything. And besides, I knew all this – I had heard all this before. In fact I have taught so much of this myself as a leadership and soft skills trainer and executive coach.

So why was I not applying this to my life?

Mainly because I had no clear intention and that I was blocked by limiting beliefs.

 

Blog

 

This, my first blog ever, is about the lessons I learned at Awesomeness Fest Thailand and how I plan to use this learning to achieve my dream (the outline of my dream is on my www.walkingwithoutskin.com “Beautifully Bold” page).

My promise to my accountability team (a group of four of us that were randomly connected at Afest to support each other) was that I would write my first blog by July 1st. So here it is…

 

Lessons

 

1.     Self-awareness, self-development and self-improvement leading to transformation

 

A lot was spoken about stretching yourself and living outside of your comfort zone. I believe that living outside of my comfort zone IS my comfort zone. I take risks and live bold. So what is holding me back from this new phase of my life? What are the fears that I need to uncover and face?

 

I am always doing self-assessments to understand my strengths and challenges but what I have been missing in this arena has been the alternate practices of meditation, giving continuous gratitude and having “blisscipline”. According the Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com.  “Blissipline is the combination of Bliss and Discipline. The term is used in the context of being in the now (bliss) as you strive towards achieving your goals (which takes discipline)”.

 

Also to go back to what I have loved for so many years and have now relegated to “when I have the time” or “when the weather is cooler” or “when I get fitter or lose some weight”. To walk. My early morning walks along the beach to watch that magnificent sunrise every day. My hiking. The mountains of the South African Western Cape, the awe-inspiring trails in the Nepalese Himalayas. Scuba diving, exploring the beauty and serenity of another world.

 

I loved Khailee Ng’s explanation of work-life balance – If you have work-life balance you work less and you play less. Better to have work-life integration. Work at what you love and have a passion for, and you end up doubling on both work and play. My dream includes doing what I love doing best. And that is talking and presenting and telling stories that will help others achieve peace and happiness within themselves.

 

And not to forget the importance of continuous or life-long learning, so important of keeping attuned with the latest thinking and developments around the world so that I too can contribute to the growing knowledge and transformational movement.

 

2.     Fears and limiting beliefs

 

I am the maker of my own movie.

I am both the director and the actor.

I am both the audience and the projector.

It is within my power to move into my fear, acknowledge how it has limited me, and to let it go.

My previous setbacks have set me up for future success and the breakdowns in my plans are now breakthroughs. According to Lisa Nichols and my wise sister Lizz Huesmann I need to stop sabotaging myself.

 

I have so many limiting beliefs that are determining my current reality.

Is it true that I should have to work hard for my money and live a life with no joy as my parents did?

Did my lack of tertiary education really block me from being the success that I deserved?

Will my obesity really protect me from further pain, hurt and disappointment?

Can I manage without the regular income from a secure job? Where will I live? How will I live?

 

So, whilst I have a vision board created many years ago, I need to work on it and add more positive dreams to my magic box, add more notes to myself, set more action plans with more positive re-enforcements to manifest greatness into my life.

 

I must no longer use fear to motivate me or rely on determination to be successful. I must go forward with the joyous energy of blisscipline

 

3.     Kairos

 

According to Wikipedia: “Kairos (καιρός) is an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment (the supreme moment)”

Sam Cawthorn shared the following definition of Kairos with us: “A moment within a moment a particular moment where drastic change takes place”

My first Kairos took place on the night of 30 December 1995 when I was attacked, raped and left for dead. But I did not leverage this crisis, did not use this opportunity to my advantage and settled into a life of procrastination.

Now almost 19 years later I have created another crisis, a Kairos moment that is forcing me to create change. It is time for me to move on.

 

4.     Goals and intentions

 

A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot (Joe Vitale).

My goal is to start global talks, workshops and retreats on forgiveness. Especially forgiveness against crimes of sexuality and abuse against women.

 

It is important that I believe in my dream and am passionate in what I am doing. Whilst I have to look backwards as that is what my journey is all about, I must take the step forward and keep focusing on this new goal. I need to operate in the state of flow where I am happy doing what I am doing right now and have a greater vision for the future at the same time.

 

When asked to identify an even greater goal I was quick to share mine with the 260 strong audience – to stop the need for forgiveness altogether by stopping crime and abuse against women (should be more positively rephrased as to allow women to be free and safe at all times). The crowd applauded enthusiastically. But it was also explained that if our goal was too great, if we step too far from our comfort zone, we become uncomfortable and the goal may not be attainable. So my immediate goal stays the same and the longer term universal dream is to create a free and safe world.

 

My defined goal is a big goal, but a realistic one, and it will push my boundaries.

This, however, is my means goal and not my end goal.

My end goal is to be completely free (financially and physically) and to travel the world and tell and listen to stories that help others to grow.

 

In addition, we should have goals in all life areas. Another way to look at this is segment intending. Future blogs will highlight my intentions in these areas: My life vision; Health and Fitness; Intellectual life; Emotional life; Character; Love relationships; Spiritual life; Family life; Social life; Financial life; Career; Quality of life.

 

Actions

 

Besides the obvious things of putting a plan together on how I am going to go about achieving my dream goal I need to hack into some new concepts and ideas.

Hack was a word frequently used throughout Afest and a Google search of the definition was both confusing and enlightening. My definition of hack is to achieve success by creating an appropriate yet creative and ingenious solution to a limitation.

I need to start the hacking process in the following areas:

·       Transform myself by becoming fit and healthy

·       Get closer to my universal energy by meditating

·       Demonstrate gratitude

·       Get myself unstuck by releasing all limiting ideas, beliefs and realities that do not serve me anymore

·       Redirect my energy and open myself to accepting the new ideas, paradigms and realities that will serve me to achieve my purpose and to serve my highest good

·       Start taking the baby steps towards my goal and turn discipline into blisscipline

 

 

Let my light shine!