Nesting Yurts – purchased in Kyrgyzstan – Similar to the Nesting Russian Dolls

The Blue Babushka

By Lois Wagner
7 February 1997

Life is like a Victorian Mystery Box, A Russian Doll
In searching for meaning and looking for soul
You open the lid to find another inside
Hoping the next layer will reveal your magical guide

The wind picks us and blows you in a certain direction
The purpose of has no meaning, no answer, no question
You have no place to hide to run – you’re trapped
As you get thrown about and your energy gets sapped

You vanish into that vast expansive unconsciousness
Vitality depletes into an infinite void of nothingness
But the greater orchestra instructs and compels
The design and pattern and even the form foretells

The future world appears and disappears
In a myriad of impulses that enhance the fears
You hide in the shadows and feel the heaviness
Punished by the raging storms of eternal darkness

To rebuild your life is incredibly hard
And I doubt that one ever finds the missing shard
Those shattered pieces, the crack that finally mends
With the loving help of supportive family and friends

The healing process is incredibly slow
And the tears will always continue to flow
The bruising lessons, they never go away
It’s all an illusion, an invisible delay

A small ray of hope – a radiation of light
Your dreams touch the sky both day and night
Wrapped in a ribbon and a blaze of swirling colour
A mirage, a vision, a trick of heart no other

You reach for that pinpoint of hope in the darkness
Fumbling out of the rigged and barren stillness
Fantasy taking on the weighty pain of reality
As you surface from the charades of conviviality

Then the reflection vanishes into darkness once again
You sink back into that dim despair, anguish and pain
At the peak of hysteria, the terrible distress
A sad pitiful reality of continued intense duress

Then and Now

2018 – and I am experiencing the exact same emotions and fears that I had while recovering from my rape ordeal and as expressed in my rhyme above. Only now it is about finding myself, at almost 64 years old, with no savings, no income, no job, no home and no country.

I have spent the last ten years in Oman in the Middle-East where I have had the most wonderful time. Being based here has afforded me the opportunity of visiting, other than my home country of South Africa, around 35 countries. I have met a multitude of interesting people and experienced many varied and fascinating cultures.

And it all came to a sudden and unexpected end.

This has left me, not only depressed, but in a state of panic, disorientation, hopelessness, and dread.
Depression saps your energy and makes it difficult to get going. Even doing the simplest things become a challenge and “snapping out of it” as suggested by well-meaning friends takes an enormous amount of effort.

Depression is more than just being blue.

Yes – we all get the blues from time to time. We feel sad, moody and a bit run-down, and feel averse to doing anything or participating in any activity.
Yes – we can “snap out of it” when we are facing some small issue or disappointment.

But when it is so intense that you feel totally hopeless and helpless and unable to face life’s struggles, it could be clinical depression.

Symptoms of clinical depression include all or some of the following: the inability to focus or concentrate (check); lack of energy all the time (check); tired and sleeping too much during the day (oh, so tired); unable to make decisions (check, check check); lack of interest in participating in social events (check); thoughts of suicide (only in passing); feeling of irritability and restlessness (check); feelings of emptiness and loneliness (check); lack of interest in doing pleasurable things (check); anxiousness and felling out of control (check); feelings of paranoia (check); panic attacks (check); uncontrolled crying (check);constant fidgeting (check);

I’m off to the doctor…

I love writing and putting this to paper has taken an enormous amount of effort.
I just completed an on-line assessment and the results are high – advising me to seek immediate professional help.
So that is what I am going to do…

 

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